Tag: Vipassana

MOFO

Theme Song

I’m not a mother.

I wanted to be at one time in my life, like a lot of little girls I suppose… I was certainly sold the brule (#bullshitrule) that my life’s journey was one of finding Mr Right, getting Married, having kids, those kids having kids so I became a Grandmother and so on… A wonderful life stretched before me in supplication to others. A gift to the world of my dream to be nothing more and nothing less than a wife, mother and grandmother. To some this is the ultimate sacrifice one that proves that I am not selfish – this whole concept of parenthood is often coupled with not being selfish, not being self centred, yet who are we not to be these things even when we are parents because from what I am understanding of the world there is a great deal of sacrifice in doing exactly that.

To be self centred in my view is to know my self, love my self and then ultimately be able to love unconditionally. I used to believe the brules about this being a ‘bad’ thing but having started to experience rather than just knowing intellectually that this isn’t bad at all but instead a beautiful and foundational part of our existence and something that I now embrace.

I used to think I loved unconditionally, I certainly said it… I certainly understood the concept intellectually / rationally however when I really examined my love for my partner I had to admit there were still times I got jealous and demanded some reciprocation and sign that he loved me in return. So what is that? What is that, if not a condition of my love. I am giving to you so I expect in return. My words and my actions, my experience were two different and opposing things, although I didn’t see it that way for a long time. I have touched on this in one of my other posts (Misery to Happiness) where I recall that when I went into the Vipassana course… I keep going to call it a retreat LOL – it is not that in any sense of the western world’s standards but to me that’s what it ended up being and / or what it was before I went because I thought of it so…

Back to the story: I recall that I had been struggling with this concept of love and what I defined it as, given I so wanted to be loved unconditionally, something I yearned for years earlier when I was married when I didn’t believe I was being accepted for myself, my true self.

Even that “my true self” who is that – it’s something that is emerging more and more each day, with the more and more I remember about who I really am, who I really am not and everything in between. Whoa tiger – getting a bit too philosophical there I fear… Hmmmmm interesting that, even the use of that word ‘fear’ – what is it I really fear?

Unfuckwithable

This writing process is one of creation, not that I’m saying I’m some expert or ‘great writer’ but yet I choose to write, it’s a thought that so filled me with joy when I was at my Vipassana retreat in those constant dialogues with myself during, after and between mediation. And that is what being a mother is to me, it’s not the brule that says I must give physical birth but it can be a creative pursuit or a vision to be a billionaire (#impactabillionlives) or something in between. What resonated (among many theme’s) with me from the Conversations with God, was this concept of the ‘holy trinity’ as it was put, the three states of knowing, experiencing and being.  This is my new truth and understanding of the world, that there is no absolute truth but the system of relativity which enables us to see all that is, all that was and what is present to which we are beholden and in my case in awe of my creation.

I have intentions of being a billionaire and making an impact on this world and I want to do so by supporting those that have those same values and visions because to me these are the wonderful teachers in our world right now who are showing humanity a way forward which is within our control, individually, collectively and universally. This may not be true for you but it is my truth and my mission to drive changes in society through community engagement, economic empowerment and personal growth.

I hope this has been enlightening, challenging and everything in between…. now this is the point at which you get to choose your next adventure… Hell on Earth or Sounds of Silence or just as awesome would be if you share your thoughts – you can add them below or engage me direct susie@mssusanne.com.au

If you’re not ready to take your next adventure now then you can always subscribe and come back later…

Hell on Earth

Day 8 had been blissful, my meditation practice was in flow and I felt connected to my environment.  However as is the nature of life, nothing lasts forever and so it was the very next day I found myself struggling to control my mind, over-exerting myself and enduring more pain than before.  I had a laser focus, I was determined to sit in my chosen position without moving, during the hour long meditation sittings.  I believed this was the way to learn.

Not to dissimilar to my ethos for life, having been brought up on the cultural and parental expectation that we must work hard to earn a living.  It’s interesting don’t you think how this brule* (bullshit rule) doesn’t serve us, in fact it only serves to disempower us and blinker us to the prospect that we can be happy in work and life without having to endure pain.

The lesson at the end of Day 9 was in how we cling to happiness and therefore how this can be just as destructive to our ability to control our mindset as is the focus on the negative.  The Vipassana technique talks to being equanimous and as had been the case with each passing day, the teaching and review of what we were learning at the end of each evening was the timely reminder of the experience I was going through. The day previous I was in bliss and had become attached to this feeling, which led me to feeling disappointment in not being able to achieve bliss again in the following day.  I’m particularly prone to seeking out positivity, ever the optimist but it became clear to me that this has at times clouded my judgement and led me to feeling more disappointment at points throughout my life.

Thailand.jpg

Khao Lak – Takua Pa District, Thailand 2011kK

The expectation of happy families for one… At two years of age (so I was told) my mother left me, left Australia and went back to Thailand to be with her family, having struggled to make this place her home.  I don’t believe my Dad put up much of a fight although he made it clear I wasn’t going with her.  For the next 24 years of my life I had no idea where my mother was, other than in Thailand, until one day I got the call – they’d found her.  My expectations were high, I was finally going to meet my mother (having no memory of her because I was so young when she left).  Optimistic of our future together, with gifts in hand and a presumption in my heart that I wanted to support her financially because it was the right thing to do, I flew to Thailand to meet her and my half brother and sister.

The reality though is that there’s nothing quite as crushing as the level of expectation…    I have always believed that because my expectations have been positive, optimistic and therefore have intentions that will provide a ‘brighter future’ that somehow they deserved to come true.  That’s not equanimity though is it, in fact it’s a level of expectation I hadn’t really been willing to face before.  Who me?? I don’t have expectations – it was as if just because my thoughts were focussed on the positive, on the optimistic point of view, that those thoughts weren’t expectations at all.  What’s that saying ‘rose coloured glasses…’

Since I was a young child I can’t tell you where I got the philosophy but I was vocal in my belief that both heaven and hell existed not in the after-life but here on earth.  We were born (without choice) into one, the other or somewhere in between but what I have since actively sought, is to find out if we have since that birth, the option to be reborn in our own image, defined by our own drive and purpose.  That I now believe is true, not because I have my rose coloured glasses on but for the first time I have taken them off and want to see all the world as it is, not just how I want it to be.  The difficulty of this choice is that I am not always happy, I am what I perceived as withdrawn, solemn, introspective or some other adjective that describes the opposite of optimistic.  Yet the reality though is I’m content, I am an evolutionary woman unfolding and discovering the next stage of life.

Evolution is a process of continuous branching and diversification from common trunks. This pattern of irreversible separation gives life’s history its basic directionality.

— Stephen Jay Gould

This is the point at which you get to choose your next adventure… Misery to Happiness or Back to Nature

I’d also love it if you choose to share your thoughts – you can add them below or engage me direct susie@mssusanne.com.au

If you’re not ready to take your next adventure now then you can always subscribe and come back later…

smileykiss

Energy to Burn & Back to Nature

Energy

Although there’s been a fair amount of time since my course in Vipassana, the individual days and the title of each blog post that I committed to memory upon the reflection each evening, are all still fresh in my mind.

Day 7 was the first day that I didn’t feel the overwhelming need to rest in the lunch and afternoon breaks.  Having come through the pain barrier and a number of emotional hurdles during my day’s of silence, this day was a reminder of how grateful I am for my health.  I am mostly cognisant of the correlation between my physical well being and that of my quality of life, however today’s reflection was another reinforcement of how taking a break from toxins such as alcohol and incorporating more vegetables, some fruit and drinking lots of water, can be a simple but effective tool.

Because of the additional energy I had, the additional joy I could incorporate into my day increased – I walked more, through the beautiful bush and over the rocky outcrops on the property; I sat and admired the birds, the clouds and listened to the sounds of nature. It’s funny because when I talk to others about my experience at this course most are shocked and bewildered at why I want to do it again, yet it is just these experiences – of getting back to basics, being present, switching off from technology and other distractions and continually practicing mastering my mind, that are the reasons I would rather pose the question – why wouldn’t I.

 

Nature.jpg

Day 8: Back to Nature

Being in nature rejuvenates me, it makes me look in wonder at our world, it reminds me of how much beauty we are surrounded by, how precious life is and how much I have to be grateful for.  There’s so much to see when you choose to be quiet, present and observe your surroundings.  I watched as a blue wren flittered in and around the bushes, a goulds monitor moving through the undergrowth, the glistening web of a spider, dancing shadows as the sun peered through the tree tops… even reminiscing about that day has me feeling calm, centred and happy.  In fact that’s something I’m learning to do more of – rather than seek happiness just in the present or the future for that matter, those goals I’m working towards.  There is more benefit in looking to where I’ve come from, what I have achieved to remind me that I can be happy in the now.

Nature has many lesson’s that she’s constantly teaching us but the question is are we willing to listen?  Our environment is ever changing, with the ebbs and flow of the water, the wind, the earth, day to night and day after day ever evolving.  I’m an evolutionary woman… having been born with a womb yet unable to carry, I now seek to give birth to my inner light.   Woah there trigger – too deep?!? I think that’s a whole other episode or three 😉

I do like to go in depth and challenge my own thoughts and hopefully get you thinking too but we’ll save that for another day.  Let’s get back to nature…

Day 8 for me was another heaven on earth moment – such bliss – I get it when Barbara Marx Hubbard talks to the inner ‘Compass of Joy’ because it’s times like this that I am feeling connected to the world and to my self, the authentic me.  Isn’t that what we’re all looking for… happiness and more accurately, happiness in the now!  I do believe that to be attainable through choice, through mastering your mind, feeding your soul and actively seeking the experiences that your compass of joy can bring into your life when your willing to listen to it.

This is the point at which you get to choose your next adventure… Heaven on Earth or The Pain Barrier or just as awesome would be if you share your thoughts – you can add them below or engage me direct mailto: susie@MsSusanne.com.au

If you’re not ready to take your next adventure now then you can always subscribe and come back later…

smileykiss

Sounds of Silence

What a way to wake up I tell you!

After 6 days of no talking to the 25+ women around me, which means only my internal dialogue to listen to, is it any wonder that my brain started to throw song tracks at me as another way of providing revelations or in other words (as Mike put’s it) distinctions about what was holding me back.

Yep that’s the one…   I woke to, I was Hooked On A Feeling and I was ‘high on believing that you’re in love with me’ – if you’ve read from Misery to Happiness, then you’ll know where I’m going with this… if not stick with me, you’ll get the gist.

Hooked on a Feeling

I literally woke up to this singing in my brain “Hooked On A Feeling” I had to laugh out loud (literally).  Given it was just over half way through the course I was fully immersed in the nuances of my mind and how it would flick from one thing to the next, how it showed me memories and started all these sensations in my body as a result of the emotions or feelings that I craved or in some cases had an aversion to.  This song was exceptionally apt to this distinction I was getting.

But low and behold this wasn’t the only song that my brain decided to confront me with this glorious morning.  So I’m heading up the pathway to the meditation hall, looking up at the starry sky, massive smile on my face from the mornings festivities in my brain already and voila, literally out of no where comes Heaven Must be There

Seriously… I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried!  I do love to have a laugh and although silence was the norm, I kept myself amused.  Which reminds me of an earlier situation, just a couple days into the course, lying on my bed in the ladies dorm resting on one of our breaks.  When one of the ladies in the bunk bed next to me, a look of distress on her face, with a frustrated posture and rushed step, she gets down off the bunk and heads for the door.  To which I think to myself “was it something I said”.

Time and again I found myself enthralled, observing how my mind works and as my practice was teaching me, seeking to remain equanimous.  As has I believe always been the case, a positive outlook on life provides the opportunity to be happy all the time #ThisIsOptimism.  In saying that I have suffered from depression and during that stage of my life I couldn’t find the light, a reason to be happy and I could barely bring myself to function.  In fact it took me a long time to get myself out of that black hole.  With the help of prescription drugs, counseling, hypnotherapy and the love and belief of my framily, I was able to make it back (18+ years ago now) but in reflection it wasn’t that there was nothing to be happy about that existed in my life, there was, I just couldn’t see it.  And that’s how our minds work if we don’t master them, the negative continues to feed and fuel our emotions, the sensations and feelings we experience.  Which may well be why I love the saying “you want to laugh, otherwise you’d cry” and I often use it when I do have challenges that come my way these days.  For me it comes down to gratitude.

Have you stopped to think lately – what am I grateful for?

This concept of gratitude was something my Dad taught me, he was a grumpy old man (most of the time) believing that the world had done him wrong.  He held grudges against those who wronged him, was bitter at his ‘less than’ lot in life and afraid that he couldn’t provide for his only daughter.  We received hampers at Christmas and I got to choose a toy from the Salvo’s who visited us, my second hand clothes and the stray pets I used to collect – all of these things remind me that I wasn’t a child being brought up in a 3rd world place like my mother’s country and I am forever grateful to my Dad for bringing me up in this lucky country #Australia.

I was listening to Bert Jacobs this morning and I couldn’t help but be inspired and grateful for the reminder.  He (and his brother) nailed it – Life isn’t Easy, Life isn’t Perfect but Life is Good!  I hope you are inspired to look into what’s positive in the world, what there is to be happy about in your life and maybe even how you can be brighter and bring light to others.

This is the point at which you get to choose your next adventure again, a trip from Misery to Happiness or into The Pain Barrier.  It would also be awesome if you could share with me your thoughts – you can add them below or engage me direct susie@mssusanne.com.au

If you’re not ready to take your next adventure now then you can always subscribe and come back later…

smileykiss

 

The Pain Barrier

Have you ever tried to sit in one position (on the floor) for an hour, not moving, bolt upright on a couple of pillows?  Believe me when I tell you from my perspective I never expected it to be so hard but it was…

Day 5 I really started to understand the effort it was going to take for me to endure the sensations running through my body as I tried to maintain my position whilst going through the process of the Vipassana meditation.  My only reference about this, prior to attending, was someone’s description that their body was screaming at them and their mind wanted them to listen and move.  However I believe that like any physical exercise, when you initially start there is always a pain barrier to get past.

Yoga

I love Bikram yoga but I felt I endured much pain (and some suffering) during those early years of my body coming to terms with the physicality of this practice but the great thing was my mind readily expressing it to me during this 10 day course.  A reminder of the fact that I started barely able to touch my toes, days after still feeling the lactic acid throughout my body and aches in places I didn’t know I had muscles.  The timely reminder of these images in my head gave me an opportunity to reflect and remember what I have been able to achieve and could again do if I chose to draw on that strength.

Anyone that has seen and/or listened to Colin O’Brady’s TEDx would have to agree that our ability to change our mindset does literally mean you can change your reality and achieve anything.  I mean I wasn’t even close to having to endure what he went through so I could surely overcome the sensations I was feeling sitting still for an hour… Like any good inspirational tale though the implementation isn’t easy, the theory is sometimes already known to us but what is fundamentally missing is the belief.

Although I’ve been on this self development journey for a while (as long as I can remember really but more seriously the last 5 years), I was pleased to have had some foundational grounding in this concept through Advanced Business Abilities less than 6 months prior to my attending the Vipassana course.  Because it was through the Leadership and Communication Skills Accelerator (LCSA) that I saw the true potential for transformational change during experiential learning.  Through Mike’s training I integrated the theory of how our minds can get in the way of our ability to communicate with others and building on what Mike had started to teach me about ‘Emotional Charge’ I was then able to put that into perspective and not only appreciate the concept but I was again experiencing how my mind was the root of my own suffering.

Which all sounds very depressing doesn’t it?

Well actually I hope not… The intention here is to focus on what we can achieve with our mind.  It’s about realising that we all do have suffering, in some way, shape or form and it’s not a matter of comparison because we’re all on our own journey’s.  In fact that’s what makes us all just $5 in a jar; all the same bunch of atoms but with unique expressions like the nuances of our genes, from my perspective.  I in fact love to learn more and more about our human condition, our mind, our bodies, our existence on this earth, in this universe and possibly beyond.  The more and more I delve, the more it feels like we’re scratching at the surface and there’s just so much potential for our future with human kind being just that – KIND to one another, KIND to ourselves.

Or another way I like to put it:

K – kindred spirits

I – intelligent beings

N – nature and nurture

D – developing

As kindred spirits we have the choice to hold the same belief’s, attitudes and feelings of a positive future that we can each impact.  The intelligent beings we are have produced and continue to produce such advances to not only technology but spirituality and understanding of our human condition that can, if we choose, will further human kind.  It’s through nature and our ability to nurture the mind, the body, this earth that we will produce a legacy of paying it forward and endures throughout time.  Because ongoing development of myself and a passion to educate others; not standing still (although again is a choice we all have) is of no appeal to me… How about YOU?

What’s your next adventure… Heaven on Earth or Misery to Happiness

I’d love it if you share your thoughts – you can add them below or engage me direct susie@mssusanne.com.au

If you’re not ready to take your next adventure now then you can always subscribe and come back later…

smileykiss

Heaven on Earth

Well the title certainly creates a feeling that this is going to be an all round rosy post but I wouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover and I suggest neither should you…

I will concede though (SPOILER ALERT) it does have a happy ending but come on, who doesn’t like a happy ending!

Because unless you’ve been living under a rock, Positive Psychology is here and it’s making a lot of headway with research, on just how focusing on what’s right rather than on what’s wrong is the best way to take us from Misery to Happiness.

This series of blogs though is about my experience of the 10 day course in Vipassana meditation, a cathartic experience both at the time and now through my writing.  I really didn’t know what to expect, sure you can read the website but I didn’t bother.  The most I knew about it was what Kerwin Rae had shared and how he’d done it 7 times, that it was an intense form of meditation that they taught to Monks and it was actually more like 11 days so he’d endured a total of 77 day’s.  Along with the fact that after the 10 days silence Kerwin disliked re-engaging with the other attendee’s of the course because of a perceived one up-man ship that he encountered with various stories of ‘my experience was better than you’re experience’.

The reason I went into the course with little to no expectation, other than I knew it would be a challenge was because, as I will share by the end of the series, my experience was different, as would each of yours be.  That’s the point isn’t it, we’re all so different and unique in our perception of reality… Yet at the core of it I find we’re all the same.  I’ve always held the belief since I was a child (god knows where it came from) that this place, our Earth held both Heaven and Hell – not that they were some other realm that happens after we die but that in our earthly life, us human’s can experience at times both of these states; or we can be born into them; or we end up there through life choices, kamma or circumstance.  Never has religion been on my radar, I could never comprehend how there were so many different dogma’s all professing to be the righteous path but none demonstrating the pure essence of their teachings… but that’s a whole nother blog!

architecture art cemetery daylight
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Day 4 found me initially questioning my meditation practice, although my mojo was back and the MA15+ rated scene’s continued to flow through my mind; it was with clarity that I was starting to be fully aware of my craving for love throughout my life.  I wanted to pose these thoughts and questions to the teacher as I had the previous day.

Day 3’s questions though were the basic:

  • Can I move my position, or should I push through the pain and maintain my posture?
  • Why if universal law enables other beings to kill for food, do we humans need to be vegetarian?

At lunch though (just before we get the opportunity to speak to the teacher) I found myself pondering my life, sitting on a bench in the sun, enjoying the sounds and feel of nature and it dawned on me just how happy I was.  That I didn’t want to be anywhere else right at that moment, that I was exactly where I wanted to be, learning and experiencing Dhamma.  This was my ‘Heaven on Earth’ but it was more than just a Happy Place it was the happiness within me that was shining through and I couldn’t help but to cry tears of joy.

Time to choose your next adventure… The Pain Barrier or Missed the G Spot

If you’re not ready to take your next adventure now then you can always subscribe and come back later…

smileykiss

Misery to Happiness

Arriving Day 0 I had no (real) idea what I was about to embark on, sure I’d read the website and the emails sent to me about the guidelines for the course but the reality of what I was doing would only become evident through the actual participation.  That’s how the course is designed and was what resonated with me from the first day – experiential learning, which in my opinion is the only way to truly learn and move from a knowing (or intellectual wisdom) to understanding (experiential wisdom).

The first couple of days were a blur… It was Day 3 that took me from misery to happiness but before we get into the nitty-gritty I want to set the picture for you.  The property that the course takes place at is 40km outside of Brookton on a beautiful piece of Western Australian countryside with granite outcrops and views over the valleys.

day3rockyoutcrop

What I was about to undertake was a 10 day course in the Vipassana meditation technique.  In short it involves no talking, no technology or contact with the outside world, meditation from 0430 – 2130 and two vegetarian meals daily… yep it was always going to be a challenge but that’s why I wanted to do it.  I enjoy a challenge and new experiences, my life has been enriched as a result of this philosophy and this Vipassana course was further evidence of that.

Having focused intently for two days already just on breathing and with no one to talk to but myself the morning of Day 3 I found myself crying with the pain and fear of loss. Loss of love, loved ones and being left alone.  My biggest fears rising to the surface overwhelmed me as I recalled memories of my Father not being affectionate, my Mother leaving when I was 2, my desperation and cling’iness to boyfriends, friends who dismissed me and the passing of my beloved family members.  More accurately though it wasn’t so much fear but a belief that I wasn’t worthy of love.

Given other work I’d done before on my personal development I knew it was okay to let these emotions rise and not suppress my need to cry as I was releasing it from my body and my mind, making space for the light and happiness to take its place.  Which is exactly what happened later that day and was further evidence of the Vipassana teaching and theory that we would hear each evening between 2000 and 2100 as the wise words of S N Goenka would guide us on our experiential learning path.  The mind is fickle and moves from one thing to the next, at times, without much rhyme or reason and when we engage with the thoughts we seem to embed them deeper into our sub-conscious.

What happened next I have to warn you would be classified MA 15+ (as it contains classifiable elements such as sex scenes)

ma152b

The meditation sessions for the remaining afternoon dragged up memories and images of my boyfriends, sexual partners and one night stands.  Now, I’m a very physical person and it’s certainly true that one of my primary love languages is physical touch but by the end of the diatribe my mind threw up and with the Day 3 discourse I was starting to get my first taste of experiential wisdom.  Having gone from the misery of feeling unloved, desperate for love even… my mind reminded me of all the times I had sought love; some genuine, others a glimpse of possibility or just the physical manifestation of lust.  Reminders all the same that this external validation of love that I was seeking was also impermanent. Continue reading “Misery to Happiness”

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