I’m not a mother.
I wanted to be at one time in my life, like a lot of little girls I suppose… I was certainly sold the brule (#bullshitrule) that my life’s journey was one of finding Mr Right, getting Married, having kids, those kids having kids so I became a Grandmother and so on… A wonderful life stretched before me in supplication to others. A gift to the world of my dream to be nothing more and nothing less than a wife, mother and grandmother. To some this is the ultimate sacrifice one that proves that I am not selfish – this whole concept of parenthood is often coupled with not being selfish, not being self centred, yet who are we not to be these things even when we are parents because from what I am understanding of the world there is a great deal of sacrifice in doing exactly that.
To be self centred in my view is to know my self, love my self and then ultimately be able to love unconditionally. I used to believe the brules about this being a ‘bad’ thing but having started to experience rather than just knowing intellectually that this isn’t bad at all but instead a beautiful and foundational part of our existence and something that I now embrace.
I used to think I loved unconditionally, I certainly said it… I certainly understood the concept intellectually / rationally however when I really examined my love for my partner I had to admit there were still times I got jealous and demanded some reciprocation and sign that he loved me in return. So what is that? What is that, if not a condition of my love. I am giving to you so I expect in return. My words and my actions, my experience were two different and opposing things, although I didn’t see it that way for a long time. I have touched on this in one of my other posts (Misery to Happiness) where I recall that when I went into the Vipassana course… I keep going to call it a retreat LOL – it is not that in any sense of the western world’s standards but to me that’s what it ended up being and / or what it was before I went because I thought of it so…
Back to the story: I recall that I had been struggling with this concept of love and what I defined it as, given I so wanted to be loved unconditionally, something I yearned for years earlier when I was married when I didn’t believe I was being accepted for myself, my true self.
Even that “my true self” who is that – it’s something that is emerging more and more each day, with the more and more I remember about who I really am, who I really am not and everything in between. Whoa tiger – getting a bit too philosophical there I fear… Hmmmmm interesting that, even the use of that word ‘fear’ – what is it I really fear?
This writing process is one of creation, not that I’m saying I’m some expert or ‘great writer’ but yet I choose to write, it’s a thought that so filled me with joy when I was at my Vipassana retreat in those constant dialogues with myself during, after and between mediation. And that is what being a mother is to me, it’s not the brule that says I must give physical birth but it can be a creative pursuit or a vision to be a billionaire (#impactabillionlives) or something in between. What resonated (among many theme’s) with me from the Conversations with God, was this concept of the ‘holy trinity’ as it was put, the three states of knowing, experiencing and being. This is my new truth and understanding of the world, that there is no absolute truth but the system of relativity which enables us to see all that is, all that was and what is present to which we are beholden and in my case in awe of my creation.
I have intentions of being a billionaire and making an impact on this world and I want to do so by supporting those that have those same values and visions because to me these are the wonderful teachers in our world right now who are showing humanity a way forward which is within our control, individually, collectively and universally. This may not be true for you but it is my truth and my mission to drive changes in society through community engagement, economic empowerment and personal growth.
I hope this has been enlightening, challenging and everything in between…. now this is the point at which you get to choose your next adventure… Hell on Earth or Sounds of Silence or just as awesome would be if you share your thoughts – you can add them below or engage me direct firstname.lastname@example.org
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